


Razor Kiss

by WantToGetLost



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 08:35:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WantToGetLost/pseuds/WantToGetLost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis always had anxiety attacks but when he met Harry, everything came into place, Harry was so good for Louis. Or maybe not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Razor Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> I love writing angst

Growing up, Louis always had anxiety attacks.

 

They were so simple task like turning in a paper really important, or making a call to order pizza, but they would still make him short breath and sweaty with nervousness, and due to this, he never really had any friends, because he would randomly have an attack and that scared most people away so he learned to be alone, to deal with the world alone. Mostly because he was alone, he developed depression. He lost his usual smile – no matter how little it was, it was there - and started closing out everybody more than usual, he stopped trying to make everyone and tried to make himself happy for a change. In all, he never really was happy, all those thoughts of killing himself were always in his mind, always there, taunting him to do it, just there, tempting him. He had cut multiple times and each time, he cried and cried because suicide wasn’t the way he wanted to go, he really didn’t want to die, but he just didn’t see any option; all those taunts at school, all the bad thoughts and anxiety attacks and the lack of friends caught up to him and honestly was overload, so he cut. Never really serious – in his opinion – and when his little sisters asked him about it, he would lie and tell them made up stories; _I got that one when I was in math class and this evil knight came out of nowhere throwing daggers at me, so I ran to the bathroom but he followed me so I had to fight him and his sword cut me._ But in some way, there weren’t all that made up, yes, a bad guy was saying bad comments about him, and yes, he ran to the bathroom to escape all those laughs, and yes, the bad guy followed him, but no, Louis wasn’t strong enough to fight him so the bad guy just left and Louis cut himself while crying because he was such a coward.

 

But then, he met Harry.

 

Oh sweet Harry, he met him in his fourth year in university, while he was in campus, under the tree shade, reading a book. Louis was so caught up in his book he hadn’t noticed Harry had sat next to him to do his homework, he really didn’t until it was getting dark and he had to go back to his dorm, when he got up and turned to his left to take his backpack that he saw Harry. He had his eyebrows furrowed in confusion over his paper and kept writing and then erasing, but Louis didn’t say anything as he gather his things and walked back to his dorm.

 

The next day, he sat under the tree again, this time with earphones on, listening to 1975 as he tried to concentrate on his English essay, already feeling the nervousness setting in because he had to turn it in today, and it was done, but Louis was required to read a loud to the class, a class of almost _a hundred kids_ and just that thought alone made him short of breath as he struggled to find his inhaler in his bag when suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and he looked up and saw Harry looking at him concerned as he asked, “Are you okay?” “What’s wrong?” with clear desperation on his voice but Louis couldn’t say anything because he couldn’t _breath._ But Harry suddenly took Louis and set him on his lap and put his head on his chest, making Louis listen to Harry’s heartbeats as Harry said, “Listen to my heartbeat okay? Try breathing with me.” And Louis complied as he tried to regain his breath again and of course; whatever Harry was doing was working. And after a few minutes, Louis was breathing just fine. So he pulled away from Harry’s touch and got up with his backpack already in hand.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He kept repeating before running away from the tree because Louis couldn’t believe he had had an anxiety attack in front of this breath-taking block, making a stupid fool of himself. He had run all the way to his dorm, throwing his stuff on the floor as he raced to the bathroom, a single hot tear racing down his cheek. He fumbled around the cabinet before finally finding what he was looking for; his razor. He sniffed as he inched closer and closer to his wrist and then –

 

Then there was a knock on the door. “Hello? Are you there? I’m sorry if I scared you, but will you please open?” and Louis looked up because that was _Harry,_ what was he doing here? Did he follow Louis here?

 

He swallowed a lump in his throat as he quickly tried to hide the razor back into the cabinet where his roommate wouldn’t find it before opening the door with red eyes as he faced a worried Harry.

 

“Oh thank god, you’re okay!” He smiled softly at Louis, but his smile dropped as soon as he looked back at Louis, because Louis had the coldest stare and he blinked a few times before backing a step away. “I – I’m sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were fine after you anxiety attack, I didn’t mean to scare or make you feel uncomfortable.”

 

And Louis looked down at the ground, ashamed of himself. He wasn’t trying to be mean or anything, its just – so many people have played with his emotions that he just didn’t know how to trust anymore. “I – I’m sorry, I should be saying thank you.” He didn’t dare look up at Harry because he knew what was coming next; he was probably run out the door.

 

But Harry didn’t and instead asked him, “What’s your name?”

 

Louis blinked a few times, looking up, surprised. He stayed? “Uh, um, its Louis. Louis Tomlinson.” He saw Harry nod.

 

“Harry, mine is Harry Styles. And anyway, I hope you’re okay.” Harry turned around to leave Louis dorm when Louis reached to grab Harry’s wrist, surprising Harry and even himself. He looked at where he had his hand on Harry before looking back and Harry. He couldn’t help but to notice Harry’s eyes held so much genuine concern.

 

“How did you know how to stop it? The anxiety attack, I mean.”

 

Harry smiled as he answered. “Gemma, my sister, use to have them all the time and that’s how I use to calm her down, by making her listen to my heartbeat. I recognized you were having an attack because you get short of breath like my sister does.”

 

Louis nodded, dropping his hand where he had it, around Harry’s wrist before saying, “Uh, thank you, again.”

 

“No problem.” Harry had said before smiling one more time and walking out the door. Louis had his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as one single thought ran around his mind; _somebody actually cared enough to help him._

 

Mostly, it became a routine, to go sit by the tree, to greet Harry, and continue doing his work. They never really had a full conversation like when he had his anxiety attack, but Louis was fine with that. He was fine with just studying Harry, and his beautiful curls, and his blazing green eyes, and his dimples. And Louis found out that when he was having an attack, just by thinking of Harry would calm him down. And that’s – well that’s when Louis came to terms with the truth, he was in love with Harry.

 

“Harry,” One day Louis whispered, bumping his hand on Harry’s thigh. Harry had looked up, surprised because, Louis never really was the one to start any conversation with him, and he had learned to accept that.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What year are you in?”

 

“Uh, second year.” Louis nodded; he was in fourth year that meant Harry was two years younger than him, barely much.

 

“I’m in fourth year.”

Harry eyes lit up all of the sudden, moving closer to Louis. “So that means you can help me with this paper…” He trailed off hopefully, batting his eyelashes at Louis and Louis laughed, a little forced, because Harry was beautiful and that made him short-breath.

 

He laughed and nodded. Harry had smile at him and put his paper on Louis lap and moved even closer to Louis. He put his head on Louis shoulder and Louis gulped because he had never been this close to Harry before, this was something new for him – liking boys.

 

They had spent the whole evening talking, getting sidetrack but Louis didn’t mind at all, because he learned so much about Harry. Like, he loved to sing, he liked to commando almost all the time, he grew up with his mother and his sister, and he _was gay._

 

That meant Louis might have had a chance! Louis was smiling the rest of their conversation as he talked about all his sister and how much he loved them and his mother, and how loved to play soccer and he also liked to sing, and that he was studying in a English major because he wanted to be a drama teacher and then found out Harry was majoring in English too because he wanted to be an English teacher. And Harry begged Louis to help him with his work after school because he was struggling and Louis couldn’t say no, so he accepted and Harry grinned so wide Louis couldn’t help but to smile back and then Harry was hugging repeating thank you over and over again, laughing.

 

Everyday after school, they would meet under the tree and study ( not really, most of the time they talked about things so stupid like, why do you like that band? Favorite book? But neither mind ) and Louis found himself falling and falling more for Harry each passing day.

 

Almost half way the year, Louis noticed he hadn’t had an anxiety attack since he met Harry, and he was so happy because he realized, Harry was so good for him, he made Louis a little more confident about himself, he made feel good about the way he was, he was Louis’s _first real friend._

But Louis wanted to be so much more than just friends.

 

Louis decided, that it was finally time to tell Harry about the way he felt. That day, his heart was his chest and he waited for time to pass faster, so he could go under the tree where everything seemed to be possible. And finally, it was time. He had taken off from his class, running as hard as he could to the tree. He saw Harry already seating under the tree looking around for Louis too, and when Louis finally made it, and he was out of breath so he signaled Harry to give him a minute as he regained his breath, and when he did, he said, “I have something important to tell you.”

 

Harry smiled back and said, “Well, me too!”

 

Louis felt a little butterfly in his stomach; maybe Harry was going to tell him the same thing Louis was going to. He nodded, “You first then,” with a smile full of hope, so full of hope.

 

“I think I’m in love,” Harry announced with a wide smile and Louis smiled back, encouraging him to continue. “The guy’s name is Niall, he’s in my calculus class, and he’s amazing and has the most beautiful eyes I ever seen, and his laugh is so contagious and always laughs at my jokes and – are you okay Lou?” He stopped, noticing as Louis smile dropped and his eyes became watery.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Anyway, I think – I think I have to go,” He said, swallowing a lump in his throat, trying to swallow the tears that he knew were coming.

 

“Wait!” Harry shouted after him as he took of running. Louis stopped, his heart hammering in his chest as he turned around. “Didn’t you have something to tell me?”

 

“It doesn’t matter now,” Louis muttered, taking off running again.

 

How could he have been so stupid? He let his feeling get the best of him again, and he fell hard, so hard and now he was staring at the mess he was, why would anybody want him if he didn’t even want himself? He scrambled to his bathroom, searching for the razor he hadn’t used in so long, so long. He stared at him, almost half a year clean, would he throw all that away for a heartbreak?

 

Yes, he would.

 

 

Louis’s roommate found him on their bathroom floor, he was bleeding from his wrist and his roommate tried to stop it, but he couldn’t, because Louis was long gone by then. He shouted for help, called 999, desperately trying to save someone who couldn’t save himself. And even though he had never really talked to Louis, he cried.

 

Harry found out about Louis suicide when he heard the sirens and the paramedics running to Louis dorm. He ran and ran, and when he got to Louis’ dorm, he screamed and screamed because, how could this be possible? Why would Louis do that? He was doing so well, so well.

 

Maybe at the end, Harry wasn’t that good for Louis.


End file.
